That’s Really Messed Up: Whacked Out Stories from Pulphouse Fiction Magazine by That's Really Messed Up (retail) (epub)

Author:That's Really Messed Up (retail) (epub)
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: WMG Publishing, Inc.

Goddamn Martians

Ezekiel James Boston

How or Why the Genitalless Martians Fucked the Entire Human Race, an Article for my Father

by Damon Washington

* * *

In space, no one can hear you orgasm. At least that’s how it used to be.

Without getting into the scientific specifics, it was due to a change in blood flow brought on by micro and zero gravity. While the astronauts before us may have had occasional carnal thoughts, the lack of gravity kept them in check, which made going into space a grand exercise of chaste science.

All about discovery and the method.

Clean and sterile environments.

It’d been pure Tesla-like.

Then, in 2040’s deep lunar sampling1, we discovered the Martian sub-crust laboratory containing their dormant singularity2. The odds, they say, were like overlaying a topographical map of the moon on a football field, tossing a dart, and hitting it. Lucky fucking us.

I digress.

In 2052, I had the rare opportunity to visit M-Lab-13.

Even though it was on the moon, because the Martians had built it billions4 of years ago, I had expected the lighter gravity of Mars and an alien scent. Devoid of furnishings, with bare iron walls, and fifty foot tall at the center (I’m using imperial measurements for you, Dad), the 4,800 square foot Entry Dome (Martians are fond of domes) was the rough size of McMillian Church’s worship center back home. Jiayi Zhang, my old USTC roommate, was there at the elevator to greet me.

It was eerily quiet. The hear your breathing type of quiet. Not surprisingly, if you know scientist, a cornucopia of coffee scents hung in the air. Earth-like gravity weighed on me as I stepped from the elevator to shake hands (like Americans) with Jiayi.

Dressed lab-fab, Jiayi’s lab coat was tie-dye pastels and his pastel yellow slacks (stop frowning) matched his high-shined patent leather shoes (stop laughing).

The first thing he told me (yes, in Chinese) was. “Remember, Day, earth wanted flying cars, they helped us with the science5. Earth wanted anti-gravity, they helped us with the science6. Earth wants artificial-gravity and faster than light travel, they are helping us with the science7.” What he was saying, without actually saying it, was two-fold: remember to be humble and grateful, and Martians prefer it/they pronouns.

Yes, a perfect reminder and starting point.

Across the room, in a full neck-covering white spandex body suit, the first Martian I’d ever seen looked exactly like a wiry 5'-4" bald human with no breasts and no crotch bulge or indentation. While genderless, the general shape of its body was that of a tall gymnastic child that puberty had completely missed. A chest holster held a slim Martian stunner centered on its flat chest. (Yes, Dad, the same “ball-less” stun-tech8 that cops now use.)

When Jiayi and I got closer, the strong general Asiatic structure of its facial features and lack of Adam’s apple caught my attention as did the name Rory printed on the spandex just beneath the stunner.

Rory noticed and, sounding like a junior high schooler condensing their science experiment in an explanation steeped

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